Just Business

A motorist, after being stuck in a muddy hole in the road, paid a passing farmer fifty dollars to pull him out with his tractor. Once he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul the water for the hole."

Road Rage

A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway entrance ramp. The traffic thinned, but the driver still sat there waiting. Finally a furious driver from the vehicle behind him cried, "The sign says 'Yield', not "give up!"

Fall In

Before the wedding day the groom told the bride: "I want you to be the major when it comes to all the household decisions & I'll just make the general ones" The bride, having heard that, happily kissed her husband-to-be" Overhearing their conversation, the groom's friend, pulled him aside & asked: "Are you crazy? How could you let her make all the major decisions in the household!" The Groom, smiling cautiously whispered to him. Shes the Major but I'm the General. Get it?"

Help

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The bartender asks, Whats wrong? The old man looks at the bartender through Teary eyes and between sobs says, I married a beautiful woman a few days ago. Shes a natural red head, thirty years old, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a outstanding housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed. The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying??? The old man looks at the bartender and says, I cant remember where I live!

Remember This

Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Bill, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Wonderful," Bill replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques that help memory loss. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Bill went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower that is red and has thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Helping Hand

A Police officer was told by his sergeant that he was to bring up his quota of speeding fines, he decided to park and use his radar gun flashing the cars as they drove by on a busy street. Well one hour went by then two hours and no one was speeding. After about six hours of waiting a car came speeding by at well over the limit, the officer turned on his lights and siren and pulled the car over. The officer approached the drivers window and he remarked "I've been waiting for you all day" and the driver replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."

Hide and Seek

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Dad home? "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mom home?" "Yes", said the little boy. " Can I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what? asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hellocopter", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hellocopter." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "They're looking for me."

Pay up

A motorist was undoutably caught by an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his bike. He received in the mail a ticket for $100 and a photo of his bike. Instead of payment, he sent the police a photograph of $100. Several days later, he received mail from the police that contained another picture, this time it was a pair of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $100.

Wanted

The Bennett family just moved into the neighborhood and wanted to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed busy and uninterested. One day Matt, their youngest boy, ran into the house and announced, ''Mom, a lady down the street just asked me my name!'' The mother replied, ''Great, then what happened?'' Matt said, ''She gave it to the policeman."

It Is What It Is

A ventriloquist is working in a small rural town and during his show one of the locals stands up and yells, "Hey You! On Stage!You have been making smart-aleck remarks about us towns folk being stupid all night!We're not all stupid, like you say ya know!" "Calm Down" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!" "I'm not talking to you, sir!" Said the patron, "I'm talking to that little fella sitting on your knee!"

Wait for it

The driving instructor was giving instructions to a very nervous student. This young man panicked everytimes another car approached on any two-lane road. One day, however, they came to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.This time with happiness the instructor said, you're doing very well. The driver said yes I know with a grin. Now when I see another car coming, I close my eyes.

Turning Bad Into Good

When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $100,000.00 He ask why this was in the box. She replied when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smiled thinking she was only mad a few times so he asked where did the $100,000.00 come from. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.

Intro

This page will host some funny material. If you have suggestions please sing in. I will start to add more and more once there are messages or people poll likes and dislikes.